Laugh Out Loud

Recent Quips from Late Night
"Hey, congratulations to David Cook, the American Idol. ... I believe he received an unbelievable 50 million votes ... which I think is a new record. ... In fact, he got so many votes, Hillary offered him the VP spot." --Jay Leno
"McCain, of course, has the nomination sewn up. He's just got to go to the convention. So he's now auditioning candidates for vice president. And they're visiting at his home in Arizona. They will be spending the weekend with him out there at his home in Arizona. I believe it is called Casa Viagra. Wait a minute, I believe it's called the Lazy Artery. I believe it's a ranch. I think it is the Double Hernia. No, no, his home in Arizona, the Rancho Prostateo." --David Letterman
"Big political news this weekend. John McCain invited Louisiana's governor, Florida's governor and Mitt Romney to a barbecue at his home in Arizona, because he wants to choose one of them to be his running mate. McCain says he got the idea of choosing a running mate this way by watching 'Flavor of Love.' He's gonna hand them a rose at the end of the night." --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday, a group of oil company executives testified before Congress. Oil company executives talking to politicians. I believe they set a record for the most number of lies ever told in one room." --Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney gave a commencement address at the Coast Guard Academy. He really enjoyed speaking to the graduates, but his favorite part of the ceremony was water-boarding the valedictorian." --David Letterman
"Barack Obama was endorsed by 90-year-old Senator Robert Byrd. 90 years old, yeah. Byrd said, 'Obama will make a great president, and if he doesn't, I won't be around anyway.'" --Conan O'Brien

Penguin Movies
A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."
The man replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."

One Chair
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

Great Story
"How have you managed to buy such a luxurious villa while your income is so low?" asked the IRS auditor.
"Well," the taxpayer answered, "while fishing last summer I have caught a large golden fish. When I took it off the hook, the fish opened his mouth and said, 'I am a magical fish. Throw me back to the sea and I'll give you the most luxurious villa you have ever seen'. I threw the fish back to the sea, and got the villa."
"How can you prove such an unbelievable story?"
"Well, you can see the villa, can't you?"