Filipino Jokes

This is from my batch mate in high school she posted this on the friendster's bulletin. Just cant resist grabbing this cause it's just funny.



Bobo: Pare, hulaan mo ugali ko, nagsisimula sa letter A.
Pare: Approachable?
Bobo: Mali .
Pare: Amiable?
Bobo: Mali pa rin!
Pare: O sige, sirit na nga!
Bobo: Anest.

Policeman arresting a prostitute...
Prosti: Aba , I am not selling sex!
Police: Then what are you doing?
Prosti: I'm a saleswoman selling condoms with free demo.

Bush: What are the pollutants in your country?
Jingoy: We have lots of pollutants.. ..we have sisig, kilawin, chicharon,
mani.
Erap: Anak, may nakalimutan ka-- Boy Bawang (cornik).

Tindero: Bili na po kayo gatas ng baka. Sampung piso lang isang baso.
Manong: Ang mahal naman! Wala bang tig-pipiso lang nyan?
Tindero: Meron po, pero kayo na po ang dedede sa baka....

Pasyente: Dok, bakit po ganito ang operasyon sa ulo ko? Halos kita na utak
ko!
Doctor: Ok lang yan, yan ang tinatawag na open-minded.

A naked girl takes a taxi...
Naked Girl: "Bakit ka nakatitig sa katawan ko, ngayon ka lang ba nakakita
ng hubad?"
Driver: "Hindi po miss, iniisip ko lang kung saan nakatago ang pamasahe
mo!"

Beauty contest
Emcee: What's the big problem facing the country today?
Contestant: Drugs.
Emcee: Very good! Why do you say that?
Contestant: Ang mahal kasi eh!

Amo: Bakit ka umiiyak?
Katulong: Sabi po ni dok, tatanggalan daw po ako ng butlig!
Amo: Butlig lang eh iiyak ka na...
Katulong: Ok lang po sana kung right lig or left lig..... pero bakit naman
butligs pa! hu hu hu....

Doc: Ano ang trabaho mo, iha?
Girl: Substitute po.
Doc: Hindi kaya prostitute?
Girl: Hindi po, mama ko po ang prostitute, at kung may sakit po siya, ako
po yung substitute.. ..

Doc: For your health take only a cup of rice, lean meat and a cup of
kangkong, fruits for dessert and lots of juice....
Fat guy: Doc, shall I take them before or after meals?

Kodigo
Nahuling may kodigo ang estudyante.. ..
Guro: Ano 'to?
Estudyante: Prayer ko po, ma'am!
Guro: At bakit answers ang nakasulat?
Estudyante: Naku! Sinagot na ang prayers ko!

SIOPAO
Kulas: Miss, isa ngang siopao... 'yung babae.
Waitress: Babaeng siopao po?
Kulas: Oo. 'Yung may papel na sapin. Kumbaga, napkin.
Waitress: Ahh, ganun po ba? Lalaki lang po ang nandito.
Kulas: Lalaki?
Waitress: Kasi po, may itlog sa loob.

A Chemistry teacher asked a sexy student, "What are NITRATES?
The student replied shyly, "Ma'am, sa motel po. NITRATES are higher than
day rates!"

Usapan ng dalawang mayabang...
Tomas: Ang galing ng aso ko! Tuwing umaga, dala niya ang dyaryo sa akin.
Diego: Alam ko.
Tomas: Ha? Paano mo nalaman?
Diego: Ikinukuwento sa akin ng aso ko.

Jose: Kumusta ang assignment?
Ricardo: Masama. Wala akong nasagutan. Blank paper ang ipinasa ko.
Jose: Naku, ako rin! Paano 'yan? Baka isipin nila, nagkopyahan tayo?!

Toto: Pangarap ko, kumita ng P250,000 monthly gaya ng tatay ko!
Juan: Wow! Ganyan kalaki ang kinikita ng tatay mo?
Toto: Hindi! 'Yan din ang pangarap niya!

Dok: May taning na ang buhay mo.
Juan: Wala na po bang pag-asa? Ano po ba ang dapat kong gawin?
Dok: Mag-asawa ka na lang ng pangit at bungangera.
Juan: Bakit po, gagaling po ba ako ru'n?
Dok: Hindi, pero mas gugustuhin mo pang mamatay kaysa mabuhay!

Pedro: Pare, ano ba ang kaibahan ng H2O sa CO2?
Kulas: Diyos ko naman! Di mo ba alam 'yun?! Ang H2O ay water! At ang
CO2... cold water...

Gustong malaman ng magkaibigan kung may basketbolan sa langit.
Nagkasundo sila na kung sino ang unang mamatay ay babalik upang
sabihin kung may basketbol sa langit. Naunang namatay si Andres.
Isang gabi, may narinig na boses si Rodel na parang kay Andres.
"Ikaw ba 'yan, Andres?" usisa ni Rodel.
"Oo naman!" tugon ni Andres.
"Parang hindi totoo!" bulalas ni Rodel. "O, ano, meron bang basketbol sa
langit?"
Sagot ni Andres, "May maganda at masama akong balita sa 'yo.
Ang maganda, may basketbol doon. Ang masama...
kasali ka sa makakalaban namin bukas!"

Usapan ng dalawang bata...
Junior: Magaling ang tatay ko! Alam mo, 'yang Pacific Ocean , siya ang
humukay nun!
Pedrito: Wala 'yan sa tatay ko! Alam mo, yung Dead Sea ?
Junior: Oo...
Pedrito: Siya ang pumatay nun!

Stewardess: Do you want a drink, sir?
Sir: What are my choices?
Stewardess: Yes or No.

Misis: Hindi ko na kaya 'to! Araw-araw nalang tayong nag-aaway! Mabuti pa,
umalis na ako sa bahay na 'to!
Mister: Ako rin, sawang-sawa na! Away rito, away roon! Mabuti pa siguro,
sumama na ako sa 'yo!

Misis: Delayed ako nang one month pero huwag mo munang ipagsasabi.
Nahihiya ako...
Mister: Okey.
Kinabukasan, dumating ang taga-Meralco.
Taga-Meralco: Misis, delayed po kayo ng one month.
Misis: Ha? Bakit mo alam?
Taga-Meralco: Nasa record nyo po.
Misis: Sasabihin ko ito sa Mister ko.
Mister: (Galit at nagpunta sa Meralco.) Bakit naka-record diyan na delayed
ang misis ko?
Taga-Meralco: Kung gusto po ninyong mawala sa record, magbayad po kayo!
Mister: Eh kung ayokong magbayad?
Taga-Meralco: Puputulan po kayo!
Mister: Eh ano'ng gagamitin ng misis ko?
Taga-Meralco: Pwede naman po siyang gumamit ng kandila.

Advantage at disadvantage ng may-asawa...
ADVANTAGE: 'Pag kailangan mo, nandiyan agad.
DISADVANTAGE: 'Pag ayaw mo na, nandiyan pa rin!

What is the difference between a girlfriend, a call girl and a wife?
Sagot: Post-paid, pre-paid, unlimited.

Sa isang classroom...
Titser: Class, what is ETHICS?
Pilo: Etiks are smaller than ducks.
Titser: Okey, that duck will lay an egg in your card.

Juan: Pare, noong mayaman pa kami, nagkakamay kaming kumain. Ngayong
mahirap na kami, nakakutsara na.
Pedro: Baligtad yata?
Juan: Mahirap kamayin ang nilugaw, pare!

Anak: Itay, nagpapatanong si ma'am kung ano raw ang propesyon mo.
Itay: Sabihin mo, cardiologist.
Anak: Ano po ba ang cardiologist, Itay?
Itay: 'Yung taga-ayos ng radio sa car!

Umuwi si mister nang 4:00 AM at nakita niya ang kanyang misis na may
katalik na lalaki sa kama ....
Misis: (sumigaw) SAAN KA GALING?!
Mister: Sino 'yang katabi mo?
Misis: GRABE KA! HUWAG MONG IBAHIN ANG USAPAN!

Rodrigo: Bakit bad trip ka?
Harry: Nagtampo sa 'kin ang utol ko.
Rodrigo: Bakit naman?
Harry: Nakalimutan ko kasi ang birthday niya.
Rodrigo: 'Yun lang? Anong masama ru'n?
Harry: Ang masama ru'n.... twins kami! Twins!

Border Patrol Alert

This is a funny one lol!!!


Be on the lookout for a 1951 Chevy‏


Border Patrol Alert

Be on the lookout for a 1951 Chevy, red with white top
thought to be transporting illegal immigrants!

Jokes

Wolf Encounter

A tour guide was talking with a group of school kids at Yellowstone park when one of the kids asked him if he had ever came face-to-face with a wolf.
"Yes, I came face to face with a wolf once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a weapon."
"What did you do?" the little girl asked.
"What could I do? First, I tried looking him straight in the eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer and nearer. I had to think fast."
"How did you get away?"
"As a last resort, I just turned around and walked quickly to the next cage."


Planting Potatoes

A farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is trying to hold the farm together until her husband can get out. She's not, however, very good at farm work, so she writes a letter to him in jail: "Dear sweetheart, I want to plant the potatoes. When is the best time to do it?"
The farmer writes back: "Honey, don't go near that field. That's where all my guns are buried."
But, because he is in jail all of the farmer's mail is censored. So when the sheriff and his deputies read this, they all run out to the farm and dig up the entire potato field looking for guns. After two full days of digging, they don't find one single weapon.
The farmer then writes to his wife: "Honey, now is when you should plant the potatoes."


Awful Time

"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."
"Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends.
"I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."


Orang-utang

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orang-utang was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?
"Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

Guy sticks head in elephant's butt

This is hilarious! My husband's heard about this long time ago. We've watched the movie Hancock few days ago were Will Smith stick the head of the guy on another guy's butt and surely so impossible and he told me about a guy stick his head on the elephant's butt so we check on it in YouTube.

We need to laugh

"Laughter is the best medicine"... Take a break and read this. Some of my favorites in Arcamax jokes...

Sleeping Rough
A police chief, a fire chief and a city manager were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.


Saharan Lumberjack
The classified ad said, "Wanted: a very experienced lumberjack". A man answered the ad and was asked to describe his experience.
"I've worked at the Sahara Forest."
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the interviewer.
The man laughed and answered, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

Protected Status
Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."
Black employee: "I'm a minority." .
Female employee: "And I'm a woman."
Oldest employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."
They all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay?"

The Heavenly Cat
Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful, she had to sleep in cold back alleys where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.
A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. Earth was no better for them than it was the cat.
They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them roller skates.
One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.

Driving Offense
The Policeman couldn't believe his eyes as he saw the woman drive past him, busily knitting. Quickly he pulled along the vehicle, wound down his window and shouted "Pull over!" "No" she replied, "they're socks!"

Funny Ha Ha!

"This are some of my favorite jokes in ArcaMax Jokes. Just funny..."


The Older Golfer
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."

Two Pigs
Two farmers were discussing politics and the first one says: "I believe in a share and share alike policy. One where we are all equal."
"Well" replied the other farmer "I'm not sure about that. What you mean is that if you have two horses you'd give me one?"
"Of course" says the first.
The second farmer continued: "and of you had two cars, you'd give me one of them too?"
"Absolutely"
"So" says the second farmer, "if you had two pigs then you'd give me one of them?"
"Ah, now hang on a minute" says the first, "you know I've got two pigs!"

Accounts
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"
"Just send an account for such advice" replied the lawyer.
On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 account. That afternoon he received a $100 account from the lawyer.

Everybody
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Joke Joke Joke

I got this from my friendster's bulletin from one of my friend. Just funny! so i just want to share this to you guys...

Kids are Quick...

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria!!!
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
_______________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I.
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
______________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, it's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Laugh Out Loud

Recent Quips from Late Night
"Hey, congratulations to David Cook, the American Idol. ... I believe he received an unbelievable 50 million votes ... which I think is a new record. ... In fact, he got so many votes, Hillary offered him the VP spot." --Jay Leno
"McCain, of course, has the nomination sewn up. He's just got to go to the convention. So he's now auditioning candidates for vice president. And they're visiting at his home in Arizona. They will be spending the weekend with him out there at his home in Arizona. I believe it is called Casa Viagra. Wait a minute, I believe it's called the Lazy Artery. I believe it's a ranch. I think it is the Double Hernia. No, no, his home in Arizona, the Rancho Prostateo." --David Letterman
"Big political news this weekend. John McCain invited Louisiana's governor, Florida's governor and Mitt Romney to a barbecue at his home in Arizona, because he wants to choose one of them to be his running mate. McCain says he got the idea of choosing a running mate this way by watching 'Flavor of Love.' He's gonna hand them a rose at the end of the night." --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday, a group of oil company executives testified before Congress. Oil company executives talking to politicians. I believe they set a record for the most number of lies ever told in one room." --Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney gave a commencement address at the Coast Guard Academy. He really enjoyed speaking to the graduates, but his favorite part of the ceremony was water-boarding the valedictorian." --David Letterman
"Barack Obama was endorsed by 90-year-old Senator Robert Byrd. 90 years old, yeah. Byrd said, 'Obama will make a great president, and if he doesn't, I won't be around anyway.'" --Conan O'Brien

Penguin Movies
A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."
The man replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."

One Chair
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

Great Story
"How have you managed to buy such a luxurious villa while your income is so low?" asked the IRS auditor.
"Well," the taxpayer answered, "while fishing last summer I have caught a large golden fish. When I took it off the hook, the fish opened his mouth and said, 'I am a magical fish. Throw me back to the sea and I'll give you the most luxurious villa you have ever seen'. I threw the fish back to the sea, and got the villa."
"How can you prove such an unbelievable story?"
"Well, you can see the villa, can't you?"